PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
