I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
