I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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