thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
