I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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