i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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