Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
