my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize