My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
