You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
