After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
