Will you blow on my dice?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Who died my cat blue again?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
