I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
