ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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