my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
