You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Can you bring me the toilet please
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
