Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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