this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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