I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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