I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
