She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
