I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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