In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She swung at the pinata with crutches
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
