Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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