you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
