No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize