im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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