The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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