maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
