i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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