BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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