When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
