he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize