mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
