these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
