Don't you send me to vm
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
