I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
