My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
