I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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