Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
