The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
