Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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