Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize