I puked a lego.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
