I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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