you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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