his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize