I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We just shotgunned beers for America
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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