How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Houston, we have a blender
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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