I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
