Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
