Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
i think i just lost a toe
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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