I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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