I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Randomize
