i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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