are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
