I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize