I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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