Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
