Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize