I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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