People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
