Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
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