two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
