I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize