I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
