Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
