Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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